On My Sister’s 26th Birthday

I once had a sister names Lisa,
And she hated for you to tease her.
Flattery was fine,
Though at this time
I must tell her she’s now an old geezer.

With that, I wish Stompy-Tuna-Lisa many happy returns. Thanks for the melodrama through the years. For your birthday gift, I would like to present a synopsis of the beloved classic, “Pride & Prejudice & Zombies.” Yes – zombies. You see the Victorian idea for suspense: can the Bennett name be salvaged after Lydia runs off with Wickham? Will Liza ever get another matrimonial proposal after rebuffing Mr. Collins? Is Mr. Darcy really as insufferable as he initially appears? – all of these need a little updating in an era of widespread running off and insufferableness, not to mention matrimonial declination. So I present a widespread plague that has overcome England and is slowly moving north from London, as is common in this genre, the plague enlivens rotting corpses (“unmentionables”), causing them to seek out their not yet departed loved ones for lunch, tea, dinner, breakfast, and even a midnight snack. The Bennett girls, of course, have had an obligatory tour of Southeast Asia where they took time to study from Shaolin masters. They now are key defenders of Hertfordshire from these unmentionables that roam the countryside and crash parties in the most unsuitable ways. Remember the classic scene where Jane Bennett meets Mr. Bingley (funny how all Victorian men have the same first name, “Mr.”) and Lizzy is snubbed by Mr. Darcy’s refusal to dance? Well now imagine that it concludes with a dramatic assault on the party by a hoard of flesh-eating zombies. Truly spectacular – particularly when the Mr. Bennett calls his girls to pull their daggers from their stockings and form the “pentagon of death,” and they single-handedly destroy the unmentionables. Extra tragedy is added with the death of Mrs. Long (was she even in the original book?) and others during zombie attacks and plague infections, but certainly a few liberties can be justified if it brings such a timeless classic to a new audience with more modern sensibilities.

So Happy Birthday Lisa! May your pride & prejudice continue without zombies.

Blogger’s Note: I found this insightful quote from Seth Grahame-Smith, author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies on Wikipedia, “You have this fiercely independent heroine, you have this dashing heroic gentleman, you have a militia camped out for seemingly no reason whatsoever nearby, and people are always walking here and there and taking carriage rides here and there,” he said. “It was just ripe for gore and senseless violence. From my perspective anyway.”