Cheerios vs. the FDA

As a concerned citizen, I have been following the Cheerios/FDA scandal over the past week with keen interest. After all, 26.4% of our one-year supply of cold-cereal is some form of Cheerios (Honey Nut, Fruity, Multi-Grain, Regular, with Metamucil, and Super-mallow crunch). Up until the news broke, I had not realized the hazard this breakfast cereal posed. In the words of the Minneapolis/St. Paul Business Journal, “The agency said that claiming the cereal can lower cholesterol levels by 4% in six weeks amounts to marketing it as a drug and violates the federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act.” Clearly, I needed a prescription to purchase these Cheerios for food storage. I don’t know whether I should feel clever for getting a regulated medication without a prescription, or concerned for letting my children abuse prescription drugs. What if my children don’t finish their cereal and it gets soggy, can I dump it down the sink? Would that add to the unintentional medication of society, like the Prozac/water problem in Utah county? Can I throw it away in the trash without using a biohazard bag?

Of course, in a prepared statement, General Mills said, “The scientific body of evidence supporting the heart health claim was the basis for FDA’s approval of the heart health claim, and the clinical study supporting Cheerios’ cholesterol-lowering benefit is very strong.” This would have been more comforting had they admitted their claims were false, now I really do have to worry about possible side-effects and other drug interactions. Is there a risk of dependency? What happens to Cheerio prices when a prescription is required? $50 an ounce? How will Mormons be able to afford to medicate their children during sacrament meeting? Will junior high kids start smuggling Cheerios to school? What about cheap Mexican imports and generic brands, are they safe? I’m going to have a panic attack just thinking about it.

To make matters worse, according to the USAToday there’s more, “companies that make claims about their whole grain foods are supposed to mention that fruits and vegetables are also part of a fiber-rich diet. General Mills' labeling does not include that information. ‘Therefore, your claim does not convey that all these factors together reduce the risk of heart disease and does not enable the public to understand the significance of the claim in the context of total daily diet,’ states the FDA.” If I had only known that I needed fruits and vegetables as part of my fiber-rich diet! I thought that because regular Cheerios showed a picture of sliced strawberries on the box, that the fruit part of my diet was taken care of; that all the strawberry goodness I needed was on the box. How could I have been so foolish?!

Just as I was coming to terms with my new Cheerios reality this broke, “Last week, the [Food and Drug Administration] scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10 percent. Well, they're not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record.” It was on the Tonight Show. Now I have to start worrying about the rest of my cold-cereal food storage. The whole scandal has caused a spike in my blood-pressure. I probably need to eat more Cheerios.