With the political conventions looming, I have started to give a great deal of thought to which candidate was most worthy of my vote. After much consideration, I have come to a shocking conclusion: Mitt Romney and I have a lot in common:
• Mitt Romney has children. I have children.
• Mitt Romney is a millionaire. I have played the “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” board game.
• Mitt was the governor of Massachusetts. I know how to spell Massachusetts.
• Mitt has changed his mind on certain issues, or flip-flopped. I have worn flip-flops.
• Mitt Romney founded and ran Bain Capital. I have worked at a company that has also been a bane at times.
• Mitt Romney saved the Salt Lake Olympics. I watched them on TV.
• Mitt Romney hasn’t released his taxes to the public. I haven’t released my taxes to the public.
• Mitt has great hair. I have hair.
With so much in common, it shouldn’t take me too long to decide.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Rule #1...
It’s time again for scout camp. This year’s edition is at Bear Lake Aquatics Base, which claims to have only two rules. Rule #1: Don’t Do Anything Stupid. The problem is, all 12 to 13 year-old scouts lack the stupidity gauge that some adults acquire as they mature. This makes compliance with Rule #1 very difficult. That’s why there is the Rule #2: see Rule #1. Scouts can’t really remember more than one rule anyway, so making them the same increases the chances that they will remember at least one of them. Fortunately, campfires are banned this year, so we won’t have a repeat of the “throw the bug spray canister into the fire and see what happens” or the “there is only 18 inches between these two tents, let’s start a fire there” incidents. We are still open for the sunscreen and pocket-knife related incidents, though.
On a related topic (stupid, but not that kind of stupid): what is it with scouts and flatulence? I called Julie on the drive up to camp to verify the directions from Evanston to Laketown, and the conversation went something like this:
Julie: What is that noise in the background?
Me: You don’t want to know.
Julie: That’s disgusting.
Me: Yes, yes it is.
Julie: Why don’t you tell them it’s disgusting?
Me: That would only encourage them.
Julie: Can’t you ask them to stop?
Me: That would only encourage them.
I head back up tonight for two more days. I am undoubtedly breaking Rule #1 by going, but hopefully, it’s not that kind of stupid either.
On a related topic (stupid, but not that kind of stupid): what is it with scouts and flatulence? I called Julie on the drive up to camp to verify the directions from Evanston to Laketown, and the conversation went something like this:
Julie: What is that noise in the background?
Me: You don’t want to know.
Julie: That’s disgusting.
Me: Yes, yes it is.
Julie: Why don’t you tell them it’s disgusting?
Me: That would only encourage them.
Julie: Can’t you ask them to stop?
Me: That would only encourage them.
I head back up tonight for two more days. I am undoubtedly breaking Rule #1 by going, but hopefully, it’s not that kind of stupid either.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Lost in Thought
Have you ever been heading somewhere, very purposefully, only to find yourself lost in thought? I mean really lost in thought, like "wait, why I am in the break room staring at the coffee pot" lost. I mean, "I'll pretend to be going to a co-worker's desk to raid the candy dish" lost? I mean so lost that even after chatting with said co-worker about her adopted grandchildren's experience at football camp for ten minutes, you are forced to return to your desk to try to reconstruct what you were doing when you left your desk in the first place, only to get lost in the same thoughts as before?
I never get that lost. But if I did, it would surely be a sign of a very deep, very profound thinker.
(Oh, I remember, I need more paper clips from the supply closet.)
I never get that lost. But if I did, it would surely be a sign of a very deep, very profound thinker.
(Oh, I remember, I need more paper clips from the supply closet.)
Sunday, June 24, 2012
The Eagle Has Landed
For those who hadn't heard, Jordan earned his Eagle Scout award and received it at a Court of Honor held tonight. Julie went all out for refreshments (yes, those are coconut covered marshmallows on Oreo cookies). For those who missed it, I have attached the slide show from the evening's program, so that you too can suffer. Hopefully it works, if not the highlights included Jordan as Captain Underpants (uses Princess patterns no less) and in various other embarrassing costumes.
Congrats Jordan!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Quality Time
With the older two children safely (?) off at camp and Julie running off to help at Girl's camp for the day, I had the opportunity to spend quality one-on-one time with the youngest. This started with her reading Mad-Libs to me while I found something to eat for dinner. (She had already had something to eat at Grandma's.) While we picked strawberries in the garden, she explained her dislike for grasshoppers (they have creepy eyes) and spiders (some are large and poisonous, and Grandma is afraid of spiders and there was this movie that her friend had seen...). She also explained how she and her siblings had "discussions" about whether or not some strawberries were ready to pick or not. (Julie ended the discussion by determining the "white part" microscopic and that the berry was in fact ripe enough for picking.) This was followed by a dissertation on animal cruelty supported by a recitation of key plot points from Black Beauty.
When we finished picking berries, we went inside to sweep the floor. While I manned the broom, she explained how she would have shared her Reese's peanut butter cups with me, but she only had two. And "they are sacred." We then took turns doing Mad-Libs as I tidied up the kitchen and made popcorn. Based on her reaction, the best Mad-lib involved Taylor Swift stealing my fecal matter. Then we took the popcorn, two cans of Shasta Root Beer, two Red Vines licorice straws, and a blanket to the basement where we watched a Harry Potter movie.
We both agreed that everyone else should go to camp more often.
(I had to buy some Reese's peanut butter cups today. If I only have two left, I won't be sharing, either. I feel the same way: they are sacred.)
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Out of Order Thoughts
1) I'm grateful for Google's new blogging statistics. I now know how pointless it is for me to blog.
2) Watching one child prepare for girl's camp and another prepare for high adventure camp, I was reminded again of the difference between boys and girls. One printed a checklist of items, carefully gathered each item two days in advance, made sure everything was labeled, and kept asking questions in the form of declarative statements: see how this shirt matches the scrubs we made. The other spent time thinking about packing while playing video games, cramming random items into his school backpack, and repeatedly said things like, "uh" or "ugh" to questions like, did you go through the checklist? and don't you think you should use the backpacking pack instead? We also got an "oh" when asked if he thought about things like a flashlight or toothbrush. (For those fluent in "grunt," my response to all of this child's camping preparations was "hmmm.")
3) On our last family visit to the library, a stumbled upon a DVD of what I declared to be the Worst Cartoon Ever: Gem and the Holograms. Julie agreed it was terrible, but thought it was no worse than G.I. Joe. I responded that while G.I. Joe wasn't great, it wasn't the worst. I mean the lasers never hit anything, the plots never changed, and knowing was half the battle. I then conceded that it was a legitimate candidate. We then discussed the lack of any merit and value to Thunder Cats (Snarf?!), Voltron and several others before Julie struck a nerve:
Julie: "..and then there's G-Force (Battle of the Planets)."
Me: "No, you can't even mention G-Force is this conversation. It has too much pure awesomeness. It was one of the first Japanese anime cartoons. Any friend or relative of any member of G-Force introduced at the beginning of the episode would be dead by the end. Mark, Jason, Princess, Tiny & Kee-ops all had cool vehicles. There is far to much, muchness and awesomeness for G-Force to even be in this conversation."
Julie: "I always wanted to be Jason 'cause he had the cool race car."
Me: "He was the rebel."
Julie: "Yah. I always had to be Princess."
That settled it. G-Force is not on this list. Care Bears, Rainbow Brite, Calliou - all are worthy contenders, but G-Force is too awesome.
2) Watching one child prepare for girl's camp and another prepare for high adventure camp, I was reminded again of the difference between boys and girls. One printed a checklist of items, carefully gathered each item two days in advance, made sure everything was labeled, and kept asking questions in the form of declarative statements: see how this shirt matches the scrubs we made. The other spent time thinking about packing while playing video games, cramming random items into his school backpack, and repeatedly said things like, "uh" or "ugh" to questions like, did you go through the checklist? and don't you think you should use the backpacking pack instead? We also got an "oh" when asked if he thought about things like a flashlight or toothbrush. (For those fluent in "grunt," my response to all of this child's camping preparations was "hmmm.")
3) On our last family visit to the library, a stumbled upon a DVD of what I declared to be the Worst Cartoon Ever: Gem and the Holograms. Julie agreed it was terrible, but thought it was no worse than G.I. Joe. I responded that while G.I. Joe wasn't great, it wasn't the worst. I mean the lasers never hit anything, the plots never changed, and knowing was half the battle. I then conceded that it was a legitimate candidate. We then discussed the lack of any merit and value to Thunder Cats (Snarf?!), Voltron and several others before Julie struck a nerve:
Julie: "..and then there's G-Force (Battle of the Planets)."
Me: "No, you can't even mention G-Force is this conversation. It has too much pure awesomeness. It was one of the first Japanese anime cartoons. Any friend or relative of any member of G-Force introduced at the beginning of the episode would be dead by the end. Mark, Jason, Princess, Tiny & Kee-ops all had cool vehicles. There is far to much, muchness and awesomeness for G-Force to even be in this conversation."
Julie: "I always wanted to be Jason 'cause he had the cool race car."
Me: "He was the rebel."
Julie: "Yah. I always had to be Princess."
That settled it. G-Force is not on this list. Care Bears, Rainbow Brite, Calliou - all are worthy contenders, but G-Force is too awesome.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Truth Comes Out
Child #0 was forced to get his own e-mail address and blog earlier this year as part of his English class (it's called "Language Arts" now, but that's giving them far too much credit). Child #0 now considers himself an expert on blogging and after reviewing my blog posts surmised that I "blog about the problems of evil children" and left out the "problems of evil parents." I told him he could take up that cause in his blog, but that I would be reading it and I still control his access to a computer. (This is not censorship; up until recently this has worked for many despotic regimes in the Middle East.)
This lead to a robust discussion of all of the various things I had blogged about over the past couple of years. To wit: when an assignment is due the next morning and you haven't started it, the most effective strategy is to endure the lectures on responsibility, hard work & video games; make a very poor showing of it with minimal effort; and wait for the irate parent to say "Let me show you how I would do it" or if they are very angry, "Here." Then simply copy exactly what they say as an example.
Child #0 assures me that this is a very effective strategy. He also reminded me of the time earlier this year when he put off a history report until ten minutes before the bus arrived. (He got an A-.) The moral of the story? Give yourself at least fifteen minutes.
Child #0 has requested that I provide a link to his blog, which I will do in the interest of journalistic balance and in keeping with the "fairness" doctrine. I'm not sure that will help. He is my best argument.
This lead to a robust discussion of all of the various things I had blogged about over the past couple of years. To wit: when an assignment is due the next morning and you haven't started it, the most effective strategy is to endure the lectures on responsibility, hard work & video games; make a very poor showing of it with minimal effort; and wait for the irate parent to say "Let me show you how I would do it" or if they are very angry, "Here." Then simply copy exactly what they say as an example.
Child #0 assures me that this is a very effective strategy. He also reminded me of the time earlier this year when he put off a history report until ten minutes before the bus arrived. (He got an A-.) The moral of the story? Give yourself at least fifteen minutes.
Child #0 has requested that I provide a link to his blog, which I will do in the interest of journalistic balance and in keeping with the "fairness" doctrine. I'm not sure that will help. He is my best argument.
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